At the beginning of 2020, I felt the puzzle pieces of my life coming together for the first time. I had just left my restaurant hostess job for my dream job as a content manager at a women’s CBD period care brand. As the content manager, I would have full control of all social media channels, write blog posts regarding topics such as proper CBD usage, sexual health and wellness, and periods, and would be playing a large role in creatively re-shaping the brand for an upcoming relaunch and product drop. 

The income from this job was beginning to have a life-changing effect on my day-to-day experiences… I’d never seen so much money in my bank account at once! While I may have made a few impulse buys with some of my paychecks (I’m looking at my Fila Disruptor II’s and my collection of Glossier products as I type this), I mostly took advantage of this newfound income to kickstart a serious turning point in my life. For instance, I opened a savings account and began saving to buy a car; could finally afford to start seeing a therapist, and; I raised my credit score by almost 100 points while I started digging myself out of debt. Best of all, I was working for a company whose values truly aligned with my own, and I was turning my passion into my paycheck. Even the worst days at the office were still infinitely better than any day at my hostessing job, and I was finally starting to feel fulfilled and enthusiastic about the direction in which my life was headed. For the first time, I felt so much stress and uncertainty fade away as I moved fearlessly towards my goals, and a seemingly bright future.

When the coronavirus first hit my radar, it was December 2019, and I was still working as a restaurant hostess. Needless to say, the world was a different place back then. I felt invincible and young, and had the ultimate “it could never happen to me” attitude. Never in the depths of my worst nightmares did I think that the United States could be stricken by a deadly pandemic, or that it would affect my hometown in Orange County, California. My friends and I still felt untouchable at that point: we threw caution to the wind; we gathered in large groups; we were reckless in crowds at concerts, and; we’d even go to work sick in the name of capitalism and the almighty dollar. We, along with the entirety of the country and perhaps even the world, had no idea what was in store in the near future.

Flash forward to March of 2020, when normalcy would completely disappear. On a gloomy Thursday morning, we learned of the death of a 60-year-old woman who lived a block from our office. The virus that I’d laughed off and made light of in previous months had now claimed a victim less than a mile away from a place where I spent over 40 hours a week. Life was beginning to feel like a surreal fever dream, and this was pre-quarantine and social distancing. It was then announced that, due to this coronavirus case hitting so close to home, we would be working from home for at least the next week. This happened at a company that would have never allowed working from home in prior months; it turns out that they had lost their sense of invincibility, too.

As a former full-time freelancer, the ability to work from home was something that came naturally to me. For a week, writing blog posts debunking common CBD myths and posting Instagram polls about self-care was a welcome distraction from the outside world. If I blasted my music loud enough and had my workspace organized, I could imagine that I was still at the office, and that the outside world didn’t exist. While I tried not to get any hopes of job security too high, I’d been assigned projects that were a month out, so I assumed in good faith that I’d still have a job for at least a month.

I’ve always been a resourceful person in the face of adversity, and despite being a self-described “reckless daydreamer,” I’ve been through enough in my 22 years to set my expectations realistically. That being said, when I got the call from my department head that the company was shutting down until further notice and laying off all employees, I wasn’t surprised, but I was devastated. I’d worked unfathomably hard to get and to maintain this job, only to have this new life taken away in a second. For a lack of more eloquent words, it felt unfair.

This pandemic has made me even more aware of the privilege that I have: I am able-bodied; I have a backup stream of income with my freelancing and YouTube channel; I am able to stay with my parents during this time and live rent-free, and; I have a roof over my head and a resourceful mom with a knack for disaster preparedness who made sure we were stocked with enough food and essentials to last until the end of this quarantine. I don’t have to work on the frontlines of the virus, unlike my boyfriend and others I know who are considered essential workers. Realistically, the worries and struggles I am facing due to this pandemic are very minimal, and I could not be more grateful to be in the position that I am in.

However, I do think that we are allowed to grieve the losses that this pandemic has caused us. While it's important to be aware of our privilege, we shouldn’t necessarily feel guilty for mourning these things when there is so much else going on in the world. Whether you got laid off from your dream job, won’t be able to attend your college or high school graduation, or were looking forward to a concert, birthday celebration, or a life milestone that was a casualty of COVID-19; you are allowed to experience your grief, you are allowed to feel hurt, angry and sad, or however, it is you are feeling. We are all experiencing a collective traumatic experience, and there is no perfect way to be dealing with any of this right now. Mourning your own personal losses and recognizing the privilege you have during this pandemic are not mutually exclusive.

I’m blessed to say that I did manage to find a new (remote) job in my field, and words cannot express how grateful I am for the opportunity. Every day, I reflect on the gratitude I feel to have had someone take a chance on me in such unprecedented times. However, I still wake up at 7:30 in the morning sometimes, in those fleeting seconds of temporary amnesia before the reality of COVID-19 settles in, ready to make my morning commute. I’m in the acceptance stage of my grieving at this point, but sometimes I still think of the work I put into this role, and I hope and pray it wasn’t all for nothing.

It goes without saying that I would return to my former job in a heartbeat if possible if and when the virus subsides. However, thinking about life after the virus at this point is futile because every day brings some new development in the news and feels more doomsday-like than the last. While I know that this won’t be forever and that this too shall pass, drawing up blueprints for the future is a fool’s game at this point. Normalcy as we knew it isn’t an option. Still, I hope for a chance to reconstruct the life I had before this in some capacity, as I’m sure so many of us do.

Lastly, there is no right or wrong way to spend this self-isolation period. You don’t have to be productive, you don’t have to find a new job like I did, and you don’t need to feel pressured to be starting a “side hustle” or place unrealistic expectations on yourself. Regardless of your situation, show empathy to yourself and others, and be mindful and show gratitude for what’s still left. Take time to mourn the life you left behind before this. That being said, do keep in mind that the world will keep turning and the sun will rise every morning and there will be a chance to start anew after this all passes, whenever that will be. In spite of everything, I am letting hope move through me to feel appreciative of the good that still remains. 

Sami Harris is a 22-year-old writer, Libra, and vegan mac n cheese connoisseur living in Los Angeles. Her main goal as a writer is to create solidarity by sharing her life experiences. When she is not writing or creating content, she can be found at shows, trying out new vegan recipes, thrifting, and spending time with her friends, boyfriend, family, or her four cats. She can be found on Instagram and Twitter @samikatherinee, and on YouTube. 

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